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Ocean Anger Management
To appease the violent, raging seas, thousands of therapists are boarded on luxury ocean liners. The ships head out to sea where they are sunk, with the therapists as sacrificial offerings. This has no effect.
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Orthogonal Pencils
Pencils with the writing nib at a 90 degree angle to the stem where you hold the pencil. Utterly useless. An essential reminder re the futility of the written word.
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Doomsday Can Opener
Looks like a regular can opener, but opens portals that let in howling demons. Watch those sharp edges!
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Home Deli Meat Slicing Trapeze
Get aerobic exercise while slicing deli meats at home as you swing past the whirling blade in your living room or den.
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Rolling Stones Gantry
Each member of the Rolling Stones — Jagger, Richards, Watts, Wood — is a magnetic bar, suspended in the air to the upper left like a rack of 4″x8″x48″ slugs of lead. Presumably some sort of internal coil winding, but not accurate to say giant guitar pickups. With an invisible gantry, they can be re-positioned, shifted from inside to outside. That distinction is crucial.
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Rise of the Burning Cockroach
Hawley and Shaun were cooking on their kitchen range, and a cockroach climbed out of the grease pan on fire. It ran around burning and they basically freaked out and couldn’t deal with it. It burned a long time, as apparently cockroach carapaces are made of tallow-like material. Think small, vermin spermaceti. Good news for the Apocalypse though — we can use cockroaches for candle wicks.
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Speculum Spaghetti Tongs
Dada Spaghetti Tongs — used speculums dripping noodles of afterbirth.
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Improved Pecan Pie
Graham Cracker Crust Custard Filling Bourbon-Pecan Caramel
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Eggsthetics
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Unnecessarily Overpowered Kitchen Gadgets
Aerate an entire bottle of wine in one second, zest a lemon with 1 horsepower or more, 20 ton hydraulic garlic press, tenderize a cut of meat into the next dimension.
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Eggsthetics
