Gadgets
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Eggsthetics
I recently learned of a product for cooking eggs in a way that forms the yolk into an emoji in the center of the egg, from a video about “useless” kitchen products. But for humans, food is something that goes beyond mere survival, utility. Food acts on the level of culture, not just biological need. This product for creating egg emojis is a perfect example of how food for us is transcendent beyond the need for sustenance. We use this product to aestheticize the egg, as we aestheticize and encode all food with cultural meaning. So this egg product may indeed be useless. Yet uselessness exhibits the essence of food…
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Unnecessarily Overpowered Kitchen Gadgets
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Anti-Gadget
OK, never do this. Preparation: Your Stubbs BBQ Sauce is running low, and it’s all at the bottom of the plastic bottle. It’s also cold from the fridge, so even though you could turn it over and leave it for a bit, the sauce is not going to make it to the top and come out anytime soon. Then: Put the tightly capped bottle into your over-powered microwave and zap it on high for 30 seconds. The idea being of course to heat the sauce up and make it runny so it will come out. Watch the bottle balloon to the size of a grapefruit, and thank god the timer…
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Mechanical Pencils
Pencil-based automata. A pencil that rotates itself. A pencil that is burnt in a tiny engine to provide energy for writing.
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Germ Fountain
Like the Trevi Fountain in Rome, but a stew of pathogens. Children splashing in pools of germs by day, drunken adults swimming naked at 3AM. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse rear back on their steeds, their faces turned away, appalled. Throw pennies for good luck, you are Fortune’s plaything.
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Orthogonal Pencils
Pencils with the writing nib at a 90 degree angle to the stem where you hold the pencil. Utterly useless. An essential reminder re the futility of the written word.
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Doomsday Can Opener
Looks like a regular can opener, but opens portals that let in howling demons. Watch those sharp edges!
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Home Deli Meat Slicing Trapeze
Get aerobic exercise while slicing deli meats at home as you swing past the whirling blade in your living room or den.
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Speculum Spaghetti Tongs
Dada Spaghetti Tongs — used speculums dripping noodles of afterbirth.
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Unnecessarily Overpowered Kitchen Gadgets
Aerate an entire bottle of wine in one second, zest a lemon with 1 horsepower or more, 20 ton hydraulic garlic press, tenderize a cut of meat into the next dimension.
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Eggsthetics
